25 April 2010

Obviously previous entry was a rigid prove that a beast does exist in me. I roar whenever I was force to enter a room that I despise. When thing as such occurred, madness was ignited. Awaken the lunacy part of me.

I don't have any idea why it happened. And I was kind of shocked upon knowing it. My IT skill wasn't as bad as I thought. Considering the fact I came to know about it through the net. Gunanya menggodek site orang. *standing ovation to me*

Figuring it out by myself rather than from someone else; made me relieved. Well at least, I found it out without even trying to dig. And I never bloody expected what will I see upon flipping the site. Never did I know by being a bit nosy I will find something that eventually change my perspective towards some people.

Being 'expelled' was 2nd & being 'blocked' was the least I care about. The 1st was to search for the answer on what wrong have I done. As far as I'm concerned, we were doing fine. Last time we chatted was like a week ago & we ended the conversation like always. Its kind of tiring asking urself what is wrong. She must have heard rumors or whatever that changed her view on me. But as a friend she should have ask me directly rather than choosing to just accept what she heard.

How do I come clean with such person? Will texting her be the solution? Or should I pick up the phone & bloody call her. And then what should I do after getting the answer? Apologize? What if that won't work? Should I just forgive her when saying sorry didn't seem to work with her....and move on with my life?

Gah...I rarified the simplicity; AGAIN. Too many ifs made me dizzy & sometimes I lost my sense of judgment because of it. 1st thing 1st, am gonna make sure what caused that person's sudden act. Ok adalah ndak malu mau tau why I was being shut. Sigh I just need to know the reasons lie behind all this. Hati gue kok nggak tenteram diperlaku gini. If she's not a good friend; I might as well let this thing go. But she's not just that ordinary friend. She's more to a little sister to me.

Didn't ever thought I will somehow meet someone who could be someone else in a blink; once more.

I'm still trying to adapt myself with the situation she had put me in. Shall I just close my eyes, take a deep breath & let go? I'm a little confuse here...not knowing the cause makes me agitated. Not being able to think & decide accordingly; gives me nausea. I wanna puke like; everytime I think about it.

Ugh this is insane. How could I let someone to determine my happy meter, right? Its mine to control..solely. Why on earth did I let someone rules my feeling. There's more to cherish in life other than dwelling on the situation & getting drawn with its complexity. I've got too many tangled situations in my hand already; ditching 1 of them will make my untangling job easier.

I guess going with the flow will narrow my worriness. Need some fresh air to breathe now for I kind of dislike the air I am breathing at the moment. It chokes, it suffocates, it contains too many poisonous particles. Kundasang trip this weekend will soothe the soul; I know. Air there is much fresher, view much calmer. Tranquil will I be up there.

Never judge anyone. Why not try looking at yourself on the mirror prior judging. Losing a nice sister like her might be a great lose for me...but losing myself is the greatest of all. Perlu utamakan diri before others. Ohh come on, lets face it. Don't be such a hypocrite. How could I say I love someone when I have less love for myself? Indeed, its unfair.

There are many things I could put my focus on...rather than this. What goes around, comes around. Perhaps I might have done the same thing in the past hence the consequence. I called it K.A.R.M.A. Didn't know I will get hit this time, I don't see it's coming though. Allah bayar cash...jadi silalah jangan terkejut badak ya Cik Err.

Phew...it's too long an entry this time. I feel lighter after pouring everything in here. It's 1 of my way to meditate. It's like by 'writing' I have eventually put all the stress & tense I shouldered; documented. It's good for future reviewing...orang bilang kasi jadi lesson.

3 hollered!:

Mel said...

i'm expecting full details of this during our kundasang trip kayy. sekian

in THE name OF the WHO said...

u noe y u feel confused tetiba ko kena buat gini> becoz u care 4 that person..that is?.... well, if the pperson choose that way, nothing we can do kan...takkan mo paksa dia... he3....just let it be.. and may GOD bless this person life...

BibiEr Karim said...

@Mel: Sudah sy karang apa mo crita nnt. Sikit sija ba tu. Hehehe.

@Grunge: Yup sepa xcare their lil sista kan. I always pray for her bless life...always.

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