Self-monologue

What u give...u will get back; definitely . And I couldn't agree more with it. The Almighty 'pays' cash these days...regardless whether it's bad or good deeds.

No matter how far nor how fast u run just to get away from it, karma will always haunt u. I've learned my lessons so many times. Yet, being human I seem to never get enough of the lessons. It's like, I crave for it. Only to mature me & draw me closer to saneness.

Something came up to me last night. And I can't help but to be emotional with it. The word 'menggilai' is temporarily banned in my system...never to be used at least until the wound heals. I have to stay positive & shall not let that thing ruins my mood. No one is capable to 'poisoned' my spirit without my consent.

Mood swings ever since I was told about the news. I was drown to my DQ being right after hearing them. Fortunate that I always am, the ladies tried to cheer me up. Also chose to ignore dismiss my melancholic.

Back to those times, only God knows things I forced myself to swallowed. Allah SWT knows what's best for me & I will only rely on His plans. People could say anything they want nor labelling me with tags I wish to not hear...yet they will never know the truth. Even if I tried to explain...it will only be a waste of time. And I just don't feel like revealing. Bringing up the past will only let things grow worse. Let alone, dwelling. Oh please, I don't want that chips on my shoulder anymore.

I strongly believe everything happened in my life, has their own reason. That their occurrence are connected. And I also know that u get tit for tat. Whatever I suffered from; is the consequences of my own actions. Backbite someone...and u'll get worst than that. Triple than what u've said or done. I've been through that phase. I used to say mean things about people...and it hit me hard when people say meaner things about me. I was crazily mad at first but slolwy I learned no one shall be blame for it but myself.

Sekali kau buat orang sakit hati...sila jangan terkejut bila Allah hantar sejuta kali keperitan dalam hati kau. Last time, I did stupid mistakes. Well everyone does, right? I 'talked' about 2 of my friends' mothers. Although it's a true story; well according to the person who told me of course but still I don't have the right to judge nor commented more on the stories I heard. What I did was totally foolish & hard to be forgiven. As far as I remembered, I did spit out some curse words but never to the extent praying something bad to happen to them. Yet, what shot me recently was way big than what I've done. And I know that shot justified to what I did...Allah bayar cash & lebih banyak dari apa yang kita beri kepada orang.

Someone prayed for mother's death...hit by a truck. And someone wanted to put mother in the toilet & flushed her out. Even wish to sprayed her with insecticide. Truth to say, flame of anger filled my chest when a friend told me about it. I don't favour the idea to play as the victim because I've lost that role the moment I backbite. Alhamdulillah...aku cepat sedar diri. Aku buat A...tapi B buat aku triple bisa dari apa yang A rasa. Stooping to B's level is something I wished to do long time ago...but lucky enough I am surrounded with 'who think with their brain' kinda friends. Throwing back the bomb won't settled thing...won't make me look better either. Silence is the ultimate killer; and so did I responded. Balas jahat dengan kejahatan...make me look evil-er.

And I will not be surprise IF B would get triple triple worst from what I got. Because benda macam ni runs in cycle. Hidup ni kan umpama roda. The only way to make it stop is to let go & move on. Aku redha atas musibah yang jadi sama aku...itu tanda Allah masih sayang aku. Embrace the karma. There's no use to prolong...tuduh menuduh, tuding menuding jari; it will never solve anything. It must have been for the best that the All-Knowing, All-Seeing allowed me to be in this state.

I want to be better. Hence, I tell myself everyday Allah turunkan aku ujian hanya kerana 2 perkara. It's either to test my faith & patience or to vanish the sins I've done in the past. Semua itu over 1 tujuan...to ease my 'business' in the afterworld. So I could cross the siratal-mustakim's bridge tanpa perlu merasa ditelan api neraka. Harap lah pasni aku ndak cepat melatah bila ditegur...bila dijadikan bahan bualan.

Because I ain't perfect...aku pun jalani hidup menegur orang, mengata orang. Insya Allah, aktiviti tongol itu akan dikurangkan. Perlu jadi more alert dengan tatasusila sendiri...what's more with my straight-from-the-shoulder way of talking. Beloved Messenger said "Every son of Adam is a sinner & the best of sinners is the one who seek forgiveness".

Insya Allah...akan ku jalan hidup dengan penuh senyuman.